Home » A Wasted Life » The Visit

The Visit

We got to my house and when we were pulling into my driveway, I asked J*** a question (which I will not reveal).  He smiled and said “that’s an interesting question and I’ll have to think about it for a minute.”
Then he marveled at how I backed my car into the garage with such ease.  We were heading into my house and our clothes were coming off before we got in the door.
Later, he asked me when I drank coffee.  I told him I didn’t but that I would have a cup with him.  I made us a cup and we went into the living room and sat down and started talking.
I guess since we were now “friends” he thought he could freely discuss his attachment.  He didn’t know that I had gotten pictures of them when they went to C*******.
I casually said “I don’t know what makes you think ‘she’s not what you would call big’.”  He laughed and said “yeah, she’s getting pudgy.”  The pictures hadn’t been plastered all over social media for my children and my family to see yet, but he never asked me how I knew what she looked like.  I found that to be strange but he had never asked me how I found out that he had been unfaithful, either.
I asked him if he told her that he had Herpes.  He said he had.  I asked him what she said.  He said “she said thank you for telling me.”
I told him that I wish he had told me before we started having sex again after he had come back home.
That struck a nerve apparently because he got up, stuck his finger in my face and said in an accusing way “if you care enough, it doesn’t matter!”
It would have mattered to me……..unless I already had it.
But I didn’t have it until he gave it to me and I wouldn’t have wanted it no matter how much I cared.
Then he said “what you think is happening up there isn’t happening as much as you think it is.”  Wow.  What kind of man has absolutely no compunction about standing in his wifes’ living room and discussing his sex life (or lack of) with his attachment?  I had transitioned from asking the question “who is this man…..to…..what is wrong with this man?”
Things had evidently turned around for his attachment since she met him.  According to J***, she now had a job “looking after old people,” she and her brother owned land with mineral rights, she had a house, she had three cars and her daddy had “more money than God.”  That was quite a leap from the description he had provided just three months earlier.
Then he said that he had “misrepresented” her when he said she “hustled.”  He said what he meant was that she used coupons and did the “BOGO” thing.  He was back-pedaling so fast that his warning beeper was in danger of self-destruction.
The next day, we went over to see K**** and E*.  K**** knew he was coming because she had seen his itinerary on my refrigerator.  I saw her looking at it and the look on her face was close to disgust but she didn’t say anything.
While we were there, E* and J*** went out to look at the shed.  As soon as they were out of earshot, K**** looked at me and said “what’s the matter with dad?  He looks like a bum.”  I agreed but said that maybe somebody liked that look.
We hung out for a while.  J*** drank some beer and I could tell that K**** and possibly E* as well, were confused and uncomfortable.  I don’t think either one of them understood what was going on.
J*** and I got back to my house and talked a bit more.  He drank some more and I watched the hairs fall out of his beard every time he said something.
Since we had spent time talking about his attachment, I mentioned that I had recently made contact with an old friend.  I told J*** that this friend said he had never really gotten over his “high school crush” on me.  J*** said “that’s ridiculous.”
I dare say that it wouldn’t have been ridiculous if one of his old girlfriends had said that to him.  It would have served to feed his insatiable need for adoration and would have also confirmed his self-proclaimed desirability.
That night when we were in bed, I asked him if he felt guilty.  He answered with an insouciant “no.”  I wondered if he had ever answered the same question the same way……to somebody else.
We went to see N**** and I**** and to also meet our sons’ new girlfriend, who was expecting a baby.  We had lunch with them and then were going to go across the street to a park.  I looked at J*** and said “did you know that there are more pedestrian fatalities in O****** than anywhere else in the country?”  He took my hand and said “well, let’s make sure you’re not one of them.”  We walked across the street, holding hands and swinging them back and forth.
We said our goodbyes and then headed back to my house.
I wore the teddies that he had brought me back from France and he told me which one he liked the best.  It was the first time I had worn one since he had laughed at me in T****.
When we weren’t otherwise “occupied”, it seemed he liked to talk about his attachment.  He told me that her mama was dead and now her aunt was her best friend and confident.  I segued into the question “do you love her yet?”  He said “what’s love?  I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I loved you and look at how I fucking treated you.”  I asked him what that meant and he said “no, I don’t love her.  I like her, though.”  Then he said “you know I’ve always loved you.”  Right.  Was that love he had been showing for the past thirty-nine years?
Another reason he had gone to see the psychiatrist (other than to get permission to start having sex with another woman while we was still married) was because he wanted to be a “better man” for his attachment and would really like to be a good influence on her daughter, to whom his attachment was “totally devoted.”
When he said that to me, I was mentally castrating him with a pair of dull, rusty fingernail clippers…..one snip at a time and I wanted it to be slow and painful.
It was all I could do to keep from saying “why don’t you really want to be a good influence on your own children and try to repair the damage you have done instead of focusing on someone elses’ child?  Why did you never want to be a better man for me?”
I guess the most remarkable conversation we had was when he said that he had told his attachment “I want you to understand that when we start living together, everything I have will go to my children.”  Again, are you kidding me?  This is coming from a “man” who was lying to his attachment so that he could come have benefits with his wife, a “man” who wouldn’t discuss divorce with his wife and a “man” who was planning on shacking up with his attachment while he was still married.  In my eyes, he had just reduced himself to less than a lowlife sleazebag and it occurred to me that those dull, rusty fingernail clippers weren’t going to be necessary because he obviously didn’t have any testicles to cut off.  No real man would do what he was doing.
But the weekend wasn’t over so I had to pretend to support what he “wanted” and would “really like to do.”
There had been another incident with our son and J*** was actually able to divert his attention from his attachment for a few minutes.  It was a situation where I had my fingers crossed but  J*** seemed to be indifferent.
It was Monday and time for him to leave.  He had just gotten out of the shower and walked into the kitchen, naked.  I was in the living room and said “how about a free shot?”
Without hesitation, he posed for me like I was doing a photo shoot for Playgirl Magazine.  I’m not even sure if stupefied could describe my reaction.
I wondered what would have happened if I had taken a picture of him and sent it to his attachment.  As possessive and jealous as he portrayed her…..not wanting him to come to F******……not wanting him to stay with me…..not wanting me to be in his life…..telling him that he had better never choose his family over her again…..what would she have done if she had known where he was, who he was with and what we were doing?
I got him to the airport and when he was standing outside my car, he was texting with fever pitch.  I imagine he was letting his attachment know that he was about to get on the plane and “was really looking forward to getting back and seeing her.”
I asked him if he wanted me to let him know how our son was doing.  He couldn’t stop texting long enough to even hear what I said.  He looked up and said “okay…..uh…..what?”  I repeated my question and he (still texting) said “uh…..yeah.”  I’m not sure he ever heard my question.  He was more interested in texting his attachment than being concerned about his son.

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