Home » A Wasted Life » The “Business” Was Hemorrhaging – Part One

The “Business” Was Hemorrhaging – Part One

The drive to D***** was the longest and hardest drive we had yet experienced.  Having four small children proved a little more than daunting.  While making the trip, I guess I had done a bit of whining about being left behind so J*** promised me that he would never leave me behind again.
When we got there, the furniture had already arrived and had been put in place.  One of J***s’ reporters had been at the house and directed them the best he could.  The house was the cute little cottage type and had big rooms but only one bathroom.
J***s’ work pattern continued and he was rarely at home.
He had decided to put together a band, which required practice so when he wasn’t at work, he was at somebody elses’ house playing music.  I didn’t complain too loudly at first because I had started working for a doll hospital.  I made pretty good money and seemed to have a knack for fixing broken and mangled toys and dolls.  I got it in my head to start making dolls, so J*** bought me a kiln.  I had fun making them and dressing them and sold a few but gave most of them away.
Christmas was coming up and I had decided to get J*** a stereo. When he opened it, he said “it’s about fucking time.”  I had no idea he had wanted one, so I was glad I had gotten it.  He had gotten me a Baby Lock sewing machine and I couldn’t have gotten a better gift.  I thought that year was our best Christmas ever, aside from the very first one.
It was time for the in-law visit and I wasn’t looking forward to it.  When they got there, R*** handed me a box.  It was too small to be another dildo, so I opened it.  It was a gold Nefertiti charm.  I almost dropped my teeth.  I said “thank you so much.”  Then she said “that’ll be $29.27.  I handed it back to her and told her I didn’t have any money.  J*** said he’d pay for it and I told him not to but I suspect he did because she left it behind.
I had asked her how J***s’ younger brother was doing.  She told me that he had a “friend” and they were living together and then said “now, don’t you dare try to make something out of it because they’re just friends.”  I didn’t care if he had a friend, so I didn’t understand her hostile remark.
The next day, his little brother called to tell us that his “friend” had just had a baby.  I wanted to say something like “well, I guess they’re pretty GOOD friends, aren’t they,” but I didn’t.
R*** was particularly abusive during that visit and it was then that I told J*** that she absolutely come not come again, unless she could leave the Vodka at home.  It was the only visit they made to that state.
It was winter and it was freezing.  I begged J*** to let me get a kerosene heater and he told me absolutely not because I would burn the house down.  I defied him and got one anyway.  The children and I virtually lived in the dining room with quilts hanging over the doorways and I believe that heater saved our lives.
After a year, we decided to buy another house, which would be our third.  We found a house in a suburb of D***** in an almost country-like setting.  There were Brahma bulls in the pasture behind us and once, there were several horses in our front yard.
J*** had gotten his band together and they would play at bars and functions.  I would get to go because the little girl who lived across the street would babysit for me.
J*** was going to work in the morning and not coming home until after 2 the next morning.  Back then, people drank on the job and while he was waiting for the deadline at the newspaper, he would go to a bar and drink.  This went on for months and months.  I started complaining about him being gone all week and then gone on the week-ends, “practicing.”  He would blow up so I reasoned that because he was working so hard, he needed that musical release and also the beer but he was drinking all the time.
I was complaining about how J*** was never at home to one of my friends.  Right after that, she came over one day and said “pack up the kids.  I’m taking them home with me for the night so you can spend some time with your husband.”
I was so excited.  I had this hot pink and black “Teddie” complete with garters and fish net hose.  I put it on and was standing in my sexiest pose when J*** opened the door.  When he saw me, he laughed at me and went down the hall.  I wonder if he ever thought about how that must have made me feel.
I had learned not to call J*** while he was at work and I rarely if ever did.  Somewhere, somehow, I had gotten pink-eye.  My eyes started hurting and itching.  By that night, they were almost completely closed.  J*** came home and saw me, slammed his hand down on the table and yelled “why didn’t you fucking call me?”  I didn’t call him because he would have asked me what I wanted him to fucking do about it.
I had suffered from migraine headaches for years and as time went by, it occurred to me that the only emotion J*** could display when I was sick or hurt was pure anger.  He had told me that the “business” shut down when I was sick or hurt.  That’s how he always described our marriage….as a business.
In the meantime, I had acquired a new best friend.  It was the “woman” whose house J*** had stayed in when he first got down there.  She was at all the “gigs”, standing right in front of the band.  Suddenly she was spending a lot of time at my house.  It didn’t matter if J*** was there or not but I noticed that he started spending more time at the house when she was there.  She was endearing herself to my children by taking them to McDonald’s and letting them play dress-up at her house.  Here is this young, single woman, hanging around my house and my children and my husband, and I never thought anything about it because I trusted J***.
Our fighting was becoming a normal part of life.  We’d fight about his parents, me being left alone all the time with the children and mostly about how he was never around.  I wanted him to talk to me and spend time with me and tell me what he was thinking but that wasn’t going to happen and just led to more fights.
I was harboring deep resentment toward him and I’m not sure I even knew the depths of that resentment.  I was also becoming more like him in that I would reflect his apathy and indignance.  I was miserable.
He was becoming more and more distant and was always, always pissed off and I would always, always react.
One time he screamed “I’m married to the best looking woman at the paper and we never do anything.”  I asked him how we were supposed to do anything when he was never there.  Then he screamed “JESUS CHRIST!  I have to work!” I guess he thought that I should stay up until he finally came home, reeking of alcohol and then be grateful that he paid attention to me for five minutes.
The newspaper was dying and people were being let go left and right.  i asked him if he thought he would be affected and he lied and said no.  He had been having a really hard time at work and I didn’t know anything about it until his “woman” started telling me.  She said that he had all but been put in the corner with a dunce cap on his head.  I would find out why later.
J*** decided to look for another job.  He found one in O******.  I think it was just in the nick of time, too.
We decided to buy a new van.  We traded in the old station wagon, so at least I had a reliable vehicle to drive while he was gone.
I reminded him that he had promised that he would never leave me behind again but it just caused another argument.  I was left again, to take care of all the children by myself (which was really nothing I hadn’t already been doing) and to try to sell a house when the interest rates were 17%.
He left in August and his “woman” wasn’t the only person who was coming to the house.
B*****s’ best friends’ father found out that J*** was gone and showed up at my door one night at nine o’clock with a six-pack of beer.  I didn’t know what he was thinking.  I reminded him that I was married and he said he didn’t think it mattered.  I know he didn’t get that idea from the way I was acting.  Maybe just assumed that because J*** was never there, I was “lonesome.”

One thought on “The “Business” Was Hemorrhaging – Part One

  1. It’s hard to imagine what she loved about this guy. What a sorry excuse for a human being he was/is. I feel so bad for her…she truly has journeyed into darkness, but I don’t think she has wasted her life.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s