I heard a song the other night called “This Is My Fight Song.” How wonderful it would be if all the wounded, depressed, and forgotten people could embrace that song for the new year.
“This is my fight song…take back my life song…prove I’m alright song.” Those lyrics could be the stimulus for standing up, flexing your muscles and letting out with a mighty roar.
They are such powerful words but I find they are only inspirational to me for the length of time it takes to type them.
I think there comes a time when it becomes obvious that there is no fight left. There are things that are never going to be reconciled. When that is a realization, there is a comfort in the surrender. There is that familiar phrase..”accept the things I cannot change” but who does that really work for?
I have thought about trying to have a chat with my son about acceptance. I have thought about trying to get him to understand and accept that he is never going to mean anything to Loser…that to Loser, he is always going to be just “a worthless piece of shit.”
My son has no fight in him. He never has. He’s still very much a little boy when it comes to needing the nurturing of the parent who was never there for him and never will be.
I think if my son could ever grasp that concept, he might be able to travel down a different road. Nobody else in his life understands what it’s like to crave somebodys’ love and attention and spend your entire life being denied and disappointed more than I do.
If J***** could just see past the placation that Loser employs (for the sake of his WTC) maybe he could gather enough strength to look at Loser and say to him what Loser loves to say to everybody else…..”FUCK YOU.”
That song will not work for J*****. How can he take back a life he was never able to live because he was waiting for a daddy to act like he gave a shit? He can’t.
J***** will never accept the obvious. He still has hope and he will eventually starve to death on that hope.
There is no fight left in me. There is no acceptance. There will always be the gnawing unanswered questions I have struggled for years, trying to understand. How can all of my children can accept the treatment they have received from Loser and still welcome him into their lives? How can they ignore the names he has called them? How can they dismiss the way he treated them? How can they so readily accept what he did to me? How can they blame me for leaving after the way he treated me? How can they be mad at me for not allowing Loser to bring that WTC to my house and think he was going to sleep with her in my bed?
How can they close their eyes to the fact that Loser destroyed our family, found a bar-hopping WTC and cheerfully moved on, while thinking he could still have me in his life?
How can I take back a life that was completely destroyed by lies, deceit, disease and neglect? I can’t.
“This is my fight song” is a great song. It’s just not great for me or my son.